Looking back, it amazes me how many people I know in my life who have been sexually abused or assaulted. And I am not talking about my work as a victim advocate – I mean people I grew up with and people I came to know as adults. The numbers are staggering when I stop and think about it.

Most, if not all of them, have never reported to police which is consistent with the statistics on sexual offences.

One in ten victims report to police. That number has been consistent for as long as we collected those stats which is pretty concerning considering the numerous attempts to make the criminal justice system more responsive to sexual assault victims.

Since the early 90s, most amendments to the Criminal Code that address sexual assault, including rape shield and third party records, actually reference the importance of encouraging victims to report. And yet the numbers don’t change.

Even when women do report to police, a senior officer recently told me he though about 80% change their mind and decide not to proceed. So one in ten don’t report…and of those (mostly) women, 80% change their mind.

When women don’t change their mind, charges are less likely to be laid by police than in other offences so the number gets smaller. And fewer cases are prosecuted and even fewer result in convictions.

Think about those numbers…how many (mostly) men who commit a sexual offence are held criminally responsible for their actions? I hope no one misunderstands me when I say this…but sexual assault is a pretty safe crime for a man to commit and not be convicted.

How can this be in 2012?

Well, despite how enlightened we all want to think we are, we still blame victims. I remember having a discussion with a senior police officer (not the same one mentioned above) who expressed doubt about young women who get drunk, flirt with men and then claim they were raped. The example given was an actual case of a woman who was at a sporting event, drinking and texting with a guy about getting together later that night. When he went to her place later that night, her door was unlocked and she was unconscious on the couch. She woke up to find him raping her. Now he (and perhaps this particular police officer) would say that he was having sex with her but this is rape – she was unconscious, unable to give consent to have sex so that makes it rape. It doesn’t matter what she said before – she cannot consent now. Therefore its rape!!

But how many people would see this the same way as the police officer? They might not all admit it, but too many people would agree with the officer.

The media doesn’t help. They usually only report assaults that occur in parking lots committed by strangers which are a minority of the sexual assaults that occur. The media creates a false impression that sex offenders are strangers and that sexual assaults cause injury to the victim. TV shows like CSI tells us all we need is the DNA and we got a conviction. But most offenders know their victims, there is rarely overt violence (beyond the act itself) and DNA is rarely an issue because most accused claim consent. But if the image of the sexual assault victim is the pretty young woman walking to her car late at night, what about the university student who got drunk at a party and is sexually assault by someone in her class, or the sex trade worker who was raped by a client or the wife raped by her husband? They don’t fit our image of the rape victim so maybe they are not rape victims. Maybe, as I heard one justice professional say at a training event, she was just a girl who felt guilty for chearing on her boyfriend and decided to yell rape.

As for the justice system, what do we expect? To make real, systemic meaningful change, everyone involved in the system would have to want that change. But one part of the equation – the defence – benefits from myths and stereotypes about women who cry rape. They benefit from a system that puts women on trial and rips their dignity to shreds. The question should not be why more women do not report…but why any women do.

You would think, given how many times the Harper cabinet ministers have talked about the amount of unreported crime and specifically mentioned sexual assault victims, that the federal government would be seized with this issue. They are, after all, the victim friendly government, right? I mean, everything they do from building more prison cells to not building more prisons to making prisoners pay for their phone calls is about victims. But sexual assault victims are not the right kind of victims for this government because most of what they do is focused on families of homicide victims. The repeal of the faint hope clause, longer sentences for multiple killers and benefits for parents of murdered children who take time off work…much of what this government has done is in response to calls from families of homicide victims. And that’s not to say these are not important issues or that the measures taken are all bad.

But there are far more sexual assault victims than homicide victims and the only thing one can find they have done in relation to sexual assault is remove conditional sentences for sexual assault (unless the Crown proceeds summarily) and bring in some mandatory minimum sentences for sexual offences against children. Trust me when I say none of this will make any difference for the overwhelming majority of women or children. In the case of children, it might do more damage because it might actually dissuade reporting since many victims are related to their abusers and don’t always want to see them go to jail; just to have the abuse stop.

The solutions to the sexual assault of women (or men) and the sexual abuse of children lay, largely, outside the criminal justice system. That’s not to say that victims should not report and offenders should not be prosecuted. But raising the stakes in the system means more victims have to testify and that is not a good thing. Another cop told me that MMPs means more victims have to go to court since offenders won’t plead guilty…and that also raises the risk of acquittals.

May is Sexual Assault Prevention Month. The federal government’s exclusive reliance on prisons as a solution to every criminal problem is not likely to prevent many sexual assaults. They would be far better to invest in prevention, education and support for victims where they go for help (which is usually not the police). These are not messages the government likes to hear and sadly, the risks for groups to express dissenting opinions is becoming more and more risky. The government has already chosen those groups they will listen to, who agree with everything the government does, and anyone who expresses a different opinion is the enemy. And if you depend on this government for any funding, being seen as the enemy is not a good thing.

And a message to all the dads out there – talk to your sons about what being a real man means. It is not about how many women you sleep with, or using your size to intimidate people or any of that macho bullshit so many of us grew up believing. It is about honesty and respect and kindness. Teach our boys that and we will do more to end sexual violence than anything Stephen Harper could ever do.